The Right Stuff (for your Gear) I

Turning to the delicate subject of crotch lubrication…..

The classic brand: Assos chamois crème

The Swiss are damn clever: this crème is both “all synthetic & natural”

“Assos is designed to give you the look, the style, the elegance & exclusivity. Assos enhances and makes you a luxury body!” Hmm, the “luxury body” opens a whole can of worms. I won’t go there, but you can.

The local brand: Aussie Buttcream (“for comfort down under”)

The pro brand: DZnuts (“protect your junk”)

“Proper mainTAINTanance of the perineal area is essential during high level training and racing. Nothing can ruin stage race success faster than an infected saddle sore.” -Dave Zabriskie

These creams are not just sorbolene; delve into the DZ laboratory reports and you will find:
Water, Glycerin, Ozokerite, Cetearyl Alcohol, Santalum Album (Sandalwood) Wood Extract, Phellodendron Amurense Bark Extract, Hordeum Distichon (Barley) Extract, Polyglyceryl-10 Pentastearate, Behenyl Alcohol, Sodium Stearoyl Lactylate, Stearic Acid, Cetyl Esters, Glyceryl Stearate, Olive Fruit Unsaponifiables, Evodia Rutaecarpa Fruit Extract, Peucedanum (Masterwort) Ostruthium Extract, Linoleic Acid, Soy Sterols, Soy Phospholipids, Ergothioneine, Dipotassium Glycyrrhizate, Bisabolol, Allantoin, Tocopheryl Acetate, Menthol, Melaleuca Alternifolia (Tea Tree) Leaf Oil, Xanthan Gum, Capric/Caprylic Triglycerides, Retinyl (Vitamin A) Palmitate, Panthenyl (Provitamin B5) Triacetate, Tetrahexyldecyl (Vitamin C) Ascorbate, Phenoxyehtanol, Caprylyl Glycol, Ethylhexylglycerin, Hexylene Glycol, Cetearyl Methicone, Dimethicone.

They point out that Masterwort (Peucedanum Ostruthium) is a herb found in the Swiss Alps used by ancient Greeks for wound healing and calming properties – Name means “Supreme Strength”.

Of course such quality products come complete with their own merchandising.

The men’s “lube ’em or lose ’em” t-shirt

The tasteful women’s “official applicator” t-shirt

I was going to road test these and many other products, but weelll… time does not permit. Many others seem to have made the time (comparing different chamois creams seems to be a popular thing to do). You can read two such reports below:

Other material: Review of DZnuts

Other products:
Taint Paint (Also cures: Farmer’s Crack and Swamp Ass (Swass))
Anti Monkey Butt
Ballocks for men and Booty Balm for women, from chomperbody
Smooth Ride
Beljum Budder
Chamois Butt’r’s
Century Riding Cream

I had no idea about the depth of this market. Thankyou Google for setting me right.

This entry was posted in tips. Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s